Bieb-ocalypse Now

Justin Bieber is taking over the world. I used to think Miley Cyrus would be the teen pop sensation to rule the minds of the under 15 crowd and use them to establish a new world order. Then she became a slut, took some naked back pictures and danced in a bird cage so she was done for. Then the Jonas Brothers appeared and I was sure that their strength as teen heartthrobs and the fact that there were three of them would bring forth a new era in which girls aged 10-17 would control the planet and do the JoBros bidding. But soon everyone realized they wore purity rings, were serious about it, and their carreers went to shit because the oldest one got married to hide the fact that he's gay and then they got a failur-ific TV show on the Disney Channel. They didn't stand a chance.

But now I'm 100% positive I've discovered the one closet case to destroy them all. Justin Bieber is the bringer of the end. Don't believe me? Well then BEHOLD! Behold the truth and evidence I have collected that undoubtly prove Justin Bieber is going to reign terror down from the skies.

This is the Biebocalypse.

1. "Bieber-Fever" a.k.a. Mind control

Trust me, it's true. Just look at the people he's sunk his dainty little talons into already! For one, he is signed for a record deal by Usher. Usher is supposed to be cool and badass what the hell is he doing with Bieber? Only explanation: mind control. On one of his songs, Bieber features Ludacris. LUDACRIS SANG WITH JUSTIN BIEBER! This is Luda, one of the most badass of the badass. He sings songs like "Yous a Ho." He tells Bitches to move and get out da way, and shake dey money maka's. How did he wind up on a track about some desperate little kid trying to get with a girl but is too insecure about his sexuality to make a move. Ludacris doesn't question his sexuality. He should be Pimpin all over the World, not cryin like a baby baby baby baby ooh. But now that Bieber has Ludacris, who knows who else will succumb to his swirling vortex of pre-pubescent dreamyness.

2. Just Bieber and all like hime are the reason for the effemination (that means making things girlier, or more like the French) of everything once cool. Example:

Need I say more?

3. He has an army.

Of all the other pop stars, only Bieber has managed to create his own army of evil Bieber minions. They look like him, they act like him, they love him, and they want him to be Grand Overlord of Earth.

Examples (a.k.a. Undeniable Proof)

Not even Velociraptors are immune to Beiber!

I know you're scared. But don't worry, we can fight this. Justin Bieber is clearly gay...or a lesbian. I'm still not sure if he's a girl or boy. But regardless the best way to fend off the impending doom is manly things. For example, having a beard. Beards and body hair are to Bieber like garlic and crosses are to Vampires (real Vampires, not the faggy Twilight ones). I don't know how to kill a Bieber, but there is some science that supports forcing them to drink Whisky, the most manly of alcohols, will cause them to dissolve. Shutting down their Twitter accounts, MySpaces, and making them wear Nike, Adidas, or any other sports oriented clothing will also work..

Use these lessons to defend yourself. Avoid his music, don't dress like him, don't get lesbian haircuts. If you listen to his music, the terrorists win.

Why I can't watch the World Cup

I kind of like soccer a little bit occasionally when something interesting happens. The World Cup is moderately interesting, so I like to keep track of whats happening and what teams do what. I have  a bracket and all that fun stuff too. But I HATE WATCHING THE WORLD CUP GAMES. Within the first 15 seconds of watching the first game I started twitching uncontrollably and blacking out with rage and confusion. It was terrible.

If the boringness of soccer wasn't enough the World Cup made it more unbearable. The annoyingly accented British or Australian or whatever-European-country-thinks-they-know-every-damn-thing-about-soccer announcers make me wonder why every world cup viewer isn't foaming at the mouth slipping into a murderous rage like me. Every word that comes out of the announcer mouth makes me want to smash him over the head with a baseball bat. One announcer in the game I watched for 2 minutes said "All they have to do is do a better job of not backing off and giving the other team that space." really? You mean all they have to do is PLAY F*CKING SOCCER??? Are there times when your supposed to give the other team space for them to play better? NO THERE ARE NOT STOP SAYING STUPID THINGS AND LET ME WATCH MY MILDLY ENTERTAINING SOCCER GAME.

I think the only reason they make the announcers talk nonstop is to drown out the sound of the vuvuzelas. Those F*CKING VUVUZELAS. Whoever thought it was a good idea to make a giant plastic horn that makes that sound should die. AND IT NEVER STOPS. Soccer fans are permanantly attatched to their vuvuzelas. Constant buzzing like hornets with explosive diarrhea they're trying desperately to hold in.

My team scored? IMMA BLOW MY VUVUZELA!!

Other team scored? IMMA BLOW MY VUVUZELA!!

The ref blew his whistle? F*CK YOU REF ONLY I CAN BLOW THINGS! VUVZELLLLAAAA!

Nothing at all is happening on the field except normal play? IMMA F*CKIN BLOW MY VUVUZELA LIKE I'VE NEVER BLOWN IT BEFORE!!!

Productivity!

I have none of it! I mean look at Pete, even with his two jobs and vacations to Showertopia he has time to post a well planned and entertaining blog post. And me? Today was my first day of work. And the first day I've done anything all summer. I just can't seem to write posts. I have like 3 saved in the drafts section but I can't finish them because I'm a giant fail. I'm not good at format and big fancy posts. I just want to ramble on about stupid things and make stupid pictures of the internet!

WHY CAN'T I BE PRODUCTIVE LIKE PETE???

I asked Google why. This is what it told me:

CLICK THE PICTURE!

Just to explain, Google is the Lord of all Things and he is not too be questioned fo fear of the wrath of the Gevil (pictured top left) and the Search Bar Monster (top right) (I call him Pooky). The nameless little black and white guy was stupid for questioning Google, and probably died. I was going to draw a picture but I'm tired and that would be a little too graphic anyway.

P.S. Sorry there are no raptors in this post. I promise there are more photoshopped raptors coming soon.

Things That I Find Awesome

Hey All, Pete here again. It has been about a month since I last posted anything so I figured I would step it up and write something. But, working two jobs hasn’t allowed me much time for writing. Also I procrastinated a lot, but that’s ok because it means I’m normal. That’s right, procrastinating is normal and if you don’t procrastinate and you get things done then you are weird and probably have no friends. Because no one wants to hang out with a person that has his or her life organized. It makes normal people (like me) feel uncomfortable and guilty. But I'm rambling again, anyway, here's my post.

Have you ever had a moment where something you saw or did just stuck in your head? I have, and when I see them I take a picture or write them down to remember it, partly because I have a bad memory and partly because I just think they are awesome. I’ve collected a couple recently that I wanted to share in this section I call

Things That I Find Awesome

Issue #1 Multiple Shower Head Systems

On a recent trip I took down to the lake I rented a condo to stay in. I have been going down to the lake for years and we normally choose from three “resorts” (if you can call them resorts, really they are just groups of condo buildings). Anyway this time my family and I tried something different and rented a condo from a real estate agent. Now this place was weird, and I mean weird. The best way for me to describe it to you is like this: modern style architecture with a country western decorations and a heavy touch of Jesus.

Now I have nothing against the Christian faiths or having religious materials in you house. But this place had 27 references to Jesus or God, I counted. It was only a one story condo! That includes crosses, statues, bibles, bible quotes hanging on the wall, paintings, etc. Also this place had no “rooms” the way normal people think about them. It just had these random walls that kind of separated the condo into parts. Because of this design many things were just out in the open: sinks, beds, toilets, oven, couches. It was impossible to tell where a room began and ended.

This condo did have two redeeming characteristics. The first was they had a legit mexican poncho and cowboy hats hanging on the wall. So I wore them whenever I was in the condo to blend into the theme. The second was a shower with six separate shower heads. It was incredible. I don’t think I have ever enjoyed a shower so much. The heads were arranged with two main shower heads facing opposite so their water streams crisscrossed. The other four heads were mounted on the wall at chest and stomach levels and sprayed straight out. It is probably the closest I will ever get to being able to walk through a car wash (which by the way, is something I have always wanted to do).

I was so excited about this shower that I told a lot of my friends about it. Many people thought that more than one shower head was awesome, but one “environmentally friendly” friend was not impressed.

“That’s so wasteful,” She said, “You realize that you used enough water for six showers, one for each head!”

To which I replied, “It was probably more like 12 showers, I was in there for a good 40 minutes to an hour.”

When I mentioned that I wanted another shower head for my house she got furious.

“You should get a low flow shower head, they are much better for the environment.”

So to get her to shut up I let her show me some of these low flow shower heads, and I have one thing to say about them.

NO

Are you kidding me? These things emit a trickle of water. It would be like trying to take a shower with water out of a rain gutter when it was only drizzling outside. Screw that, I have better plans for my bathroom. I am going to get an extra 5 heads in my shower. Why? Because I find them awesome. I like stepping out of the shower feeling as if I just got power washed from 6 different angles, believe me, THAT is a clean feeling.