Why I can't watch the World Cup

I kind of like soccer a little bit occasionally when something interesting happens. The World Cup is moderately interesting, so I like to keep track of whats happening and what teams do what. I have  a bracket and all that fun stuff too. But I HATE WATCHING THE WORLD CUP GAMES. Within the first 15 seconds of watching the first game I started twitching uncontrollably and blacking out with rage and confusion. It was terrible.

If the boringness of soccer wasn't enough the World Cup made it more unbearable. The annoyingly accented British or Australian or whatever-European-country-thinks-they-know-every-damn-thing-about-soccer announcers make me wonder why every world cup viewer isn't foaming at the mouth slipping into a murderous rage like me. Every word that comes out of the announcer mouth makes me want to smash him over the head with a baseball bat. One announcer in the game I watched for 2 minutes said "All they have to do is do a better job of not backing off and giving the other team that space." really? You mean all they have to do is PLAY F*CKING SOCCER??? Are there times when your supposed to give the other team space for them to play better? NO THERE ARE NOT STOP SAYING STUPID THINGS AND LET ME WATCH MY MILDLY ENTERTAINING SOCCER GAME.

I think the only reason they make the announcers talk nonstop is to drown out the sound of the vuvuzelas. Those F*CKING VUVUZELAS. Whoever thought it was a good idea to make a giant plastic horn that makes that sound should die. AND IT NEVER STOPS. Soccer fans are permanantly attatched to their vuvuzelas. Constant buzzing like hornets with explosive diarrhea they're trying desperately to hold in.

My team scored? IMMA BLOW MY VUVUZELA!!

Other team scored? IMMA BLOW MY VUVUZELA!!

The ref blew his whistle? F*CK YOU REF ONLY I CAN BLOW THINGS! VUVZELLLLAAAA!

Nothing at all is happening on the field except normal play? IMMA F*CKIN BLOW MY VUVUZELA LIKE I'VE NEVER BLOWN IT BEFORE!!!