Bieb-ocalypse Now

Justin Bieber is taking over the world. I used to think Miley Cyrus would be the teen pop sensation to rule the minds of the under 15 crowd and use them to establish a new world order. Then she became a slut, took some naked back pictures and danced in a bird cage so she was done for. Then the Jonas Brothers appeared and I was sure that their strength as teen heartthrobs and the fact that there were three of them would bring forth a new era in which girls aged 10-17 would control the planet and do the JoBros bidding. But soon everyone realized they wore purity rings, were serious about it, and their carreers went to shit because the oldest one got married to hide the fact that he's gay and then they got a failur-ific TV show on the Disney Channel. They didn't stand a chance.

But now I'm 100% positive I've discovered the one closet case to destroy them all. Justin Bieber is the bringer of the end. Don't believe me? Well then BEHOLD! Behold the truth and evidence I have collected that undoubtly prove Justin Bieber is going to reign terror down from the skies.

This is the Biebocalypse.

1. "Bieber-Fever" a.k.a. Mind control

Trust me, it's true. Just look at the people he's sunk his dainty little talons into already! For one, he is signed for a record deal by Usher. Usher is supposed to be cool and badass what the hell is he doing with Bieber? Only explanation: mind control. On one of his songs, Bieber features Ludacris. LUDACRIS SANG WITH JUSTIN BIEBER! This is Luda, one of the most badass of the badass. He sings songs like "Yous a Ho." He tells Bitches to move and get out da way, and shake dey money maka's. How did he wind up on a track about some desperate little kid trying to get with a girl but is too insecure about his sexuality to make a move. Ludacris doesn't question his sexuality. He should be Pimpin all over the World, not cryin like a baby baby baby baby ooh. But now that Bieber has Ludacris, who knows who else will succumb to his swirling vortex of pre-pubescent dreamyness.

2. Just Bieber and all like hime are the reason for the effemination (that means making things girlier, or more like the French) of everything once cool. Example:

Need I say more?

3. He has an army.

Of all the other pop stars, only Bieber has managed to create his own army of evil Bieber minions. They look like him, they act like him, they love him, and they want him to be Grand Overlord of Earth.

Examples (a.k.a. Undeniable Proof)

Not even Velociraptors are immune to Beiber!

I know you're scared. But don't worry, we can fight this. Justin Bieber is clearly gay...or a lesbian. I'm still not sure if he's a girl or boy. But regardless the best way to fend off the impending doom is manly things. For example, having a beard. Beards and body hair are to Bieber like garlic and crosses are to Vampires (real Vampires, not the faggy Twilight ones). I don't know how to kill a Bieber, but there is some science that supports forcing them to drink Whisky, the most manly of alcohols, will cause them to dissolve. Shutting down their Twitter accounts, MySpaces, and making them wear Nike, Adidas, or any other sports oriented clothing will also work..

Use these lessons to defend yourself. Avoid his music, don't dress like him, don't get lesbian haircuts. If you listen to his music, the terrorists win.