Raptors aren't real?

And now life seems meaningless. I just don’t know what to do. Let me tell you this story from the beginning…

Today I was fueling my raptor obsession, because I have recently become addicted to Velociraptors like they are crack cocaine except even cheaper cuz I can get it for free. I spent a (un)reasonable amount of time reading about Raptor Jesus, and the eHow article on how to worship him. Yes, someone took the time to write an article about how to worship Raptor Jesus. Raptor Jesus’ followers are encourage to become Nuns, which are like Catholic Nuns, except they devote their lives to Raptor Jesus so they are Raptor Nuns, or Raptor Sisters. For the record, Raptor Sisters sound hilarious, but that’s because I picture them more like Foxy Cleopatra than Mother Theresa

Then something occurred to me, I remembered that I wrote down some kind of post idea for raptors that isn’t the one I already did. So I checked my “list of awesome post topics that one day I’ll get around to” (which is the title of the file on my computer) and right between “Things that are trying to kill me” and “Fuck wireless Internet” was “Raptors aren’t real.” I almost cried. For those of you unfamiliar with the 5 stages of grief, I’ll walk you through them in my experience.

Stage 1: Denial.

Haha, must be a typo. Raptors are soooo real I watched Jurassic Park and they were definitely there.

Stage 2: Anger

YOU LIE!!! FUCK YOU AND YOUR RAPTOR HATRED YOU ANTI RAPTOR BITCH!!!

Stage 3: Bargaining

Make raptors exist again and maybe I won’t castrate you….maybe

Stage 4: Depression

DEPRESSION IS FOR PUSSIES FUCK THAT AND FUCK YOU RAPTOR HATERS

Stage 5: Acceptance

Never.

The reason this was even on the list was that after previous awesome raptor post, Pete showed me this game where you hunt down raptors with a Jeep and a giant spike ball on a chain. It was awesome. But the raptors were…different. They were little and blue and feathery like some kind of froufy little bird. Then he told me that Velociraptors actually weren’t like they are in Jurassic Park, but were in fact tiny little pansy dinosaurs with feathers.

So I Wikipedia-d it and it told me that raptors are only 2 feet tall and could probably be beaten away with a baseball bat or a tennis racket like those big bugs from Jumanji. AND THEY HAVE FEATHERS. So why have we all been lied to for so long about how cool and badass Velociraptors are?

Wikipedia told me that too. Jurassic Park lied to us. The raptors in the movie are actually some dinosaur called Deinonychus and they just called it a Velociraptor because it sounded cooler. Well writers of Jurassic Park, I officially hate you. I have been living a lie ever since I saw your movie thinking that if I ever encountered a Velociraptor I would be destroyed when in reality as long as I bring some blunt force object I’ll probably be perfectly fine.

Want to see one of the funniest things ever to make you feel better about raptors being lame? Go here: http://sweetraptorjesus2.ytmnd.com/

What Started It All

Hey all, Pete here. And recently Joe has been very upset with me for my lack of writing. Apparently he doesn’t understand that some people have a job or two. But to be perfectly honest I have just been procrastinating. I’ve been meaning to write this particular post for a while and now I finally have the time so hear you go. You can all stop complaining now.

This following post was written for my final in a College Writing class. We had to write a page that mirrored a blog post or a wiki article or something like that. We also had to have MLA citation and interactive text, which pretty much means its linked to Wikipedia. I chose to write a blog post on a topic of vital importance. I had so much fun writing this article that it gave me the idea to write my own blog. However, I knew that I couldn’t write it alone, I procrastinate too much. So I went in on it with Joe who is SLIGHTLY more responsible than me. So without further ado, my final for College Writing.

Oh quick side note, I got a 98 out of 100. So if you think its bad you can just go suck one.

Missouri? Ohh...

Typical Eastern College Student #1:“You’re from Missouri? Ohh…

Me: You have no idea where that is do you?

Typical Eastern College Student #1: …No

One of the unexpected consequences of going to a school that has a big eastern draw is I had to deal with the stereotypes of coming from the mid-west. For those of you that don’t know, I am from a small city outside of St. Louis called Chesterfield, Missouri. I normally just say I am from St. Louis, because it is easier and people know about St. Louis even if they can’t point to it on a map.

I was pretty surprised at the sheer number of people that do not know where Missouri is. I feel pretty confident that if you named a state I could find it on a map. I thought this was something everyone learned in third grade geography. Apparently I was wrong. I was shocked at how many students at my University did not know where each state is located. But to be fair, most easterners aren’t aware of anything west of Pennsylvania. But hey, there’s nothing important out there anyway right?

College Student #2: Oh Missouri? I have family in Minnesota. That’s close right?

Me: …sort of?

Fig. 1: A quick geography lesson for everyone

Sometimes someone will know where Missouri is, our conversations go a little something like this:

Eastern College Student #3: Missouri! I fly over that when I go to California

Me (with sarcasm): Really?! Wow, we have so much in common!

What is even more entertaining than someone who can’t find Missouri on a map, is someone who knows nothing about the state and has to resort to using stereotypes.

“But Pete,” you’re asking, “aren’t all stereotypes based on some sort of fact?”

Yes, avid reader, you would be correct. However, I don’t think anyone has bothered to update the Missouri stereotypes since the 1800’s. All things considered, Missouri really hasn’t done anything exciting to deserve a new stereotype. The fact remains, the only information some people have about my state is a book (or two) they read in school, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Yes, the most popular stereotype about Missouri originated in 1876 and 1885, respectively. The books were supposed to be based in the 1830’s as well. That means this stereotype is anywhere from 125-180 years old.

Most people think that the average Missourian (Missouriite?) wears overalls, floppy straw hats, and no shoes. We all dream about being a steamboat captain. In our free time we enjoy: building rafts and floating down rivers with recently escaped slaves, distilling our own whiskey, and tricking our friends into whitewashing fences for us.

Fig 2: Thanks Mark Twain, good work showing us in a positive light.

But it's really not fair to blame him, I doubt he thought the stereotypes he created would last over 125 years.

Sometimes instead of Tom Sawyer people get the image of a corn farmer. It is true that corn is a big agricultural export from Missouri but it is far from our largest export. Also, most of the corn farms are to the north and west of Chesterfield. The corn farmer stereotype then raises another stereotype that because I live on a corn farm I must be uneducated and unworldly. Ok this is just embarrassing, keep in mind that the people calling me “unworldly” can’t locate Missouri on a map.

College Student #4: "So do you like, live on a farm or something?"

Me (with a heavy dose of sarcasm): "Ya I do. Ma and Pa always want me to come back from school early so I can help with the harvest."

Fig. 3 & 4: Top: a picture of me in my backyard. Bottom: What people think is a picture of me in my back yard

So here is a quick, stereotype-bashing lesson for all of you who know nothing about where I live. Fun fact #1 Chesterfield is actually considered a well-to-do suburban city. Fun fact #2, the number one agricultural product of Missouri is not corn it is, in fact, soybeans. Other major industries in the state include, but are not limited to: aerospace (Boeing, formerly McDonnell Douglas), transportation equipment, lead mining, chemicals, wine, and beer (Anheuser-Busch’s headquarters is in St. Louis). No one rides in steamboats anymore, we don't wear overalls, and the Mississippi river is WAY too dangerous to raft on. I don't live on a farm, I live in a typical suburban neighborhood. My house is on less than an acre of land. In my yard we grow grass, not corn.

Ok so clearly I am not the only person to ever be stereotyped. I want to know, if you have every had some ridiculous stereotype thrust onto you let me know, leave a comment.

Wireless Internet Isn't Cool

Because i grew up in the 90s, I've been around just long enough to be older than the internet but not old enough to appreciate it. The internet is not to be appreciated anyway, it is fickle and pissy. i can still remember when the internet first entered my house through the phone jack. I didn't understand what it was because my little brain could not comprehend an electronic world that only existed in wires and big scary looking machines and was actually only made of numbers. I STILL don't understand that. It doesn't really make sense, but I don't have to understand how it works, all I know is it does and I can use it.

Back then, it worked slowly but it's all I knew so it was ok. I was unaware of the speed it was capable of so I waited excitedly for things to load like it was a game. What would come first: the picture I was going to look at or my attention span breaking. Usually I would wind up being distracted by a squirrel outside the window or the TV or some dust blowing by…it didn't take much. But the point is eventually it loaded every time. The internet used to be reliable!

Then they made wireless internet, and they were all like "Hey, you can get on the internet anywhere within the 20 inch radius it gives you!" And we were all impressed even though it didn't make much of a different because they hadn't made a practically priced laptop at that point anyway so no one needed to move around. But our simple minds were all atwitter over the possibility.

Well you know what I say? The internet people are liars! Wireless internet sucks. But those sneaky little internet peoples got all up in our faces with it and now there is nothing but wireless internet. Everywhere I go, the internet is wireless! I don't even know where it comes from anymore, its just floating around in the air cooking our brains like a giant microwave (probably not true, don't be scared. But be cautious, it's only probably not true). The problem with wireless internet is that it likes to stop working occasionally, usually at the moments when it is most important that I use it. Even when the little internet symbol in the top corner of my MacBook tells me I am connected with perfect reception it'll still go all "You're computer is not connected to the internet." To which I respond "NO. I am connected to you internet. Don't try to hide behind failed loading screens trying to blame my poor computer for your deviance. I know. You're just trying to fuck with me!"

(click and it's bigger!)

And at that point I usually have some sort of nervous break down and wind up rocking back and forth in a dark corner muttering something about cheesecake and drooling a little…it happens. And if I ever go find someone and tell them the internet is trying to make me jump out my window they'll go to the computer and it works. Like nothing ever happens and my friend will look at me like I'm crazy. Wireless internet is trying to kill me, slowly and painfully. But if you noticed in the picture, I am not quietly enduring this attack on my sanity, oh no. I am assembling an army of internet-infiltrating super gnomes which I will use to overthrow the system. You will not win interwebs!!!!!!

IRONY. When I tried to post this, my wireless stopped working! I will not submit to you internet! FEAR MY GNOME ARMY!!!!!!!!11onetwo

3 posts in less than 24 hours? Are they insane?

It's possible. Actually it's probably pretty likely. Anyway I'm Pete and I didn't want Joe to have all the fun on this blog on the first day so here's my 2 cents.

You know what. I really have nothing important to say, so here is something completely unrelated

StumbleUpon is slowing killing me from the inside out. At first it seemed like a blessing. Finally some that randomly generates cool stuff on the internet that is more interesting than "random article" on Wikipedia. Although it seemed like innocent fun at first, I soon found myself falling into addiction.

I couldn't stop, I just kept pushing the stumble button. I lost interest in the world around me. Nothing seemed as great as the oddities of the Internet. I had become completely dependent on StumbleUpon. I pushed away schoolwork, then friends, then family. I was trapped in my own world of the most entertaining things on the Internet. Then, all the sudden, a screen pop-up asking me to create and account and wouldn't let me stumble anymore.

I had fallen for it. StumbleUpon was like a crack dealer. They gave me a taste then took it away. The first time is always free, then they have you hooked. I couldn't hold out any longer. I broke down and created a account. It was a shameful time for me. It was only when my friends had an intervention with me that I discovered the error of my ways.

My name is Pete and I have StumbleUpon free for 4 days

UPDATE: Ya, no, make that StumbleUpon free for 0 days

The Raptor has Judged You

Finals. They start today. Finals make me crazy. Like seriously, I can't handle that. Finals make me crazy to the point where I'd rather slowly melt my brain with a candle until it oozes out my ears and then make jello with it so I can sit and cry in a dark corner and paint incoherent messages on the wall with brain-flavored gelatin. I picture it a pinkish orange color. Like a salmon, or a coral. Anyway the point is I'm psychotic and may not make it till friday.

The main reason for this is Astronomy. Usually, I enjoy Astronomy because it's like being in third grade again only now I understand advanced concepts about time and space a 10 year old's brain can't comprehend. But now that the semester is over, it's really hard because they're going to test me on how well they crammed all their useless space-knowledge into my head. They didn't do a good job. All I think about as i study for this exam is how useless it all is. When will I EVER need to know how a black hole destroys things? It's by Spaghettification, by the way. Yes that is a word. Spell check doesn't recognize it, but it's real. It's when gravity is so strong it rips you in half, then rips those halves in half, and keeps doing that until you're just gone forever. It also keeps squeezing you smaller too. So it's like spaghetti…astronomers are really creative I know.

And I also would like to know why on earth the history of astronomy is relevant to my life. I have to memorize all these Greek philosophers and all the things they thought about space. And they were all wrong too. Which is dumb. To test my theory of will-I-ever-need-to-know-this-ever-in-my-life-after-I-take-this-final I asked my sister if she knew any of it.

Me: "Do you know which astronomer decided that everything in the sky moves around on crystal balls around the earth?"

Sister: "Are there choices? I would know if there were choices."

Lies.

Me: "Your choices are:

Plato

Eudoxes

and a Velociraptor

Sister: "Velociraptor." She thinks she's funny.

Me: "Sorry, you lose. It was obvious really. Everyone knows Velociraptors hunt in packs so a single velociraptor would never make an astronomical assumption on its own. Haven't you seen Jurrasic Park?"

The point is, No one cares about failed predictions of some old greek people. And because of that conversation I have spent the rest of my day completely distracted with the thoughts of Velociraptors. Apparently, raptors are highly judgmental of our actions. Here's an artists rendering of the moral of this post:

So read about our lives

Oh look, there's a blog here! Which is fun. For me anyway, I guess it could be fun for you too if you're into that kind of stuff. But you're here now, so you are required to enjoy it.

ANYWAY. Welcome to "Joe and Pete are Interesting, so you should read about our lives" the blog of infinite awesomeness. Starting today, you will need no other source of entertainment than reading whatever I (Joe) or Pete post. Because we're interesting. And possibly funny. Definitely entertaining...to ourselves. So congratulations on finding it! You'll save a lot of money now that you don't have to pay to distract yourself with other things like movies, or Cable tv, or iPads, or...other expensive entertain-y things. Because we're free! And everyone likes free things. And if you don't like free things well then you're just un-American. And of course I'll accept payments for reading our blog if you have some strange aversion to doing things for free, I'm very accommodating.