Raptors aren't real?

And now life seems meaningless. I just don’t know what to do. Let me tell you this story from the beginning…

Today I was fueling my raptor obsession, because I have recently become addicted to Velociraptors like they are crack cocaine except even cheaper cuz I can get it for free. I spent a (un)reasonable amount of time reading about Raptor Jesus, and the eHow article on how to worship him. Yes, someone took the time to write an article about how to worship Raptor Jesus. Raptor Jesus’ followers are encourage to become Nuns, which are like Catholic Nuns, except they devote their lives to Raptor Jesus so they are Raptor Nuns, or Raptor Sisters. For the record, Raptor Sisters sound hilarious, but that’s because I picture them more like Foxy Cleopatra than Mother Theresa

Then something occurred to me, I remembered that I wrote down some kind of post idea for raptors that isn’t the one I already did. So I checked my “list of awesome post topics that one day I’ll get around to” (which is the title of the file on my computer) and right between “Things that are trying to kill me” and “Fuck wireless Internet” was “Raptors aren’t real.” I almost cried. For those of you unfamiliar with the 5 stages of grief, I’ll walk you through them in my experience.

Stage 1: Denial.

Haha, must be a typo. Raptors are soooo real I watched Jurassic Park and they were definitely there.

Stage 2: Anger

YOU LIE!!! FUCK YOU AND YOUR RAPTOR HATRED YOU ANTI RAPTOR BITCH!!!

Stage 3: Bargaining

Make raptors exist again and maybe I won’t castrate you….maybe

Stage 4: Depression

DEPRESSION IS FOR PUSSIES FUCK THAT AND FUCK YOU RAPTOR HATERS

Stage 5: Acceptance

Never.

The reason this was even on the list was that after previous awesome raptor post, Pete showed me this game where you hunt down raptors with a Jeep and a giant spike ball on a chain. It was awesome. But the raptors were…different. They were little and blue and feathery like some kind of froufy little bird. Then he told me that Velociraptors actually weren’t like they are in Jurassic Park, but were in fact tiny little pansy dinosaurs with feathers.

So I Wikipedia-d it and it told me that raptors are only 2 feet tall and could probably be beaten away with a baseball bat or a tennis racket like those big bugs from Jumanji. AND THEY HAVE FEATHERS. So why have we all been lied to for so long about how cool and badass Velociraptors are?

Wikipedia told me that too. Jurassic Park lied to us. The raptors in the movie are actually some dinosaur called Deinonychus and they just called it a Velociraptor because it sounded cooler. Well writers of Jurassic Park, I officially hate you. I have been living a lie ever since I saw your movie thinking that if I ever encountered a Velociraptor I would be destroyed when in reality as long as I bring some blunt force object I’ll probably be perfectly fine.

Want to see one of the funniest things ever to make you feel better about raptors being lame? Go here: http://sweetraptorjesus2.ytmnd.com/